Crack review - HoND

What is HoND about anyway?

Paris's Minister of Justice, a racist jerk called Frollo, accidently kills a gypsy woman. Fearing heaven's wrath, and with the Archdeacon pulling at his skirts, he reluctantly adopts the woman's disfigured newborn and names him Quasimodo. He locks the boy up in the bell tower of Notre Dame and forbids him to ever leave. Well, sucks to be him...

Some 20 years later Quasi decides to sneak outside in order to party and attends the festival of fools which is conveniently held right on the square in front of the church. In the midst of the celebration he stumbles into a gypsy girl called Esmeralda, who later shows off her pole dance skills, giving Frollo and his captain of the guards, a guy called Phoebus, who doesn't look all too bad but has no personality whatsoever, a boner.

On the climax of the festival Quasi is crowned king of fools for being extraordinarily ugly and soon afterwards he's attacked by flying tomatoes. Esmeralda saves him which results in a little party game of catch with Frollo's thugs. She eventually seeks refuge in Notre Dame where she's confronted by Dweeb- err... Phoebus. But since he has the hots for her, he has no intention to arrest her. Oh, and also they are inside a church. The two of them have a little candlelight dinner which is interrupted by Frollo. He and Pheobus leave.
Esmeralda does a Celine Dion impression and gets a private guide tour through the bell tower followed by a practical acrobatics lesson from Quasi who helps her to escape in hope to get laid. Meanwhile Frollo is having a little problem with his fire place.

Next day Frollo is all hung-over and decides to use his god-given license to kill to get into Esme's pants. Or something along those lines. Oh, and Phoebus almost gets killed for trying to be a main character but that only as a side note. Anyway, Esmeralda saves Phoebus from drowning and drags her unconscious future husband to one of two places her archenemy visits regularly and entrusts him to the other guy who has the hots on her. Yeah... moving along...
Surprise, surprise, Frollo decides to pay Quasi a visit to tell him that he knows where Esmeralda and the other gypsies are hiding and that he intends to attack them... tomorrow. How convenient. A sane person could have judged by his tone and face that this is quite obviously a lie but hey! (Did I already mention he's racist?)

Phoebus hasn't learned his lesson yet and plays hero again. Quasi is fighting with his own jealousy but since this is Disney he agrees to help Phoebus to find Esmeralda. Led by the pendant Esme so conveniently gave to Quasi earlier they find the headquarters of the gypsies, the Court of Miracles. They get a warm welcome by the king of gypsies, the puppeteer Clopin, who would have made a badass villain if not for the fact that he's a minor character. He is so happy to see Phoebus and Quasimodo, he decides to throw a little party and hang them. Oh, those wacky gypsies... haha!

Unfortunately Clopin takes too long deciding on a the right party outfit, giving Esmeralda the chance to rescue Phoebus and Quasi (again) but also Frollo to find the Court. Le gasp! Totally didn't see that coming.

Another party. This time Frollo is having a little barbeque on the square. There'll be gypsy-burgers, what more do you want? But no, Quasi had enough parties for this movie and rescues Esmeralda from being roasted (apparently he prefers medium-rare). This is closely followed by an obligatory boss-fight against Frollo. Bad guy dies, everyone else lives, hurray!
Now there are only two guys left for Esmeralda and guess what she picks the prettier one. And Quasi is totally okay with that. Oh, Disney, you're so cute.

Ah, right, in the end we learn that Esmeralda got pole dance lessons from Clopin but that's a different story. Thanks for reading this crack review.